I had every intention tonight to just kick back and relax watching something mindless on TV but it wasn't in the cards, I guess. Instead, I piddled around doing normal things. Kissed my son hello after he got back from his friend's house. And then out of nowhere proceeded to see in my mind's eye a repressed memory of something that happened to me more than 35 years ago. On my way to the kitchen, go figure. It happened just like that and at lightening speed. Being a childhood sexual abuse survivor who didn't uncover memories until last year means that at any moment, my subconscious can flip a switch and decide it's time for me to learn more. That I'm ready to handle it so a little bit more comes to the surface. It's a very strange place to be. I'm learning more and more through connecting with other survivors that we are truly in a club we didn't sign up for but alas, we all "get" each other. My heart breaks for those who do remember what happened every second of every day of their lives. I kinda feel like the lucky kid in the group because while it affected every aspect of my life, I didn't live with the memories of what happened until I turned 40.
I don't think I'll ever get used to the flash of visions even though it's something that happens quite a lot to me in my work as a medium. But viewing what happened to me as a tiny child is so jarring yet healing at the same time. The cycle tends to be that I see a memory out of nowhere, it takes me back to the feeling of being that kid, I get emotional, and then I want to un-see it and un-feel it.
Sometimes I talk about it with others. Sometimes I just keep it to myself. Apparently, sometimes I blog about it. One thing is for sure. Being in this club is surreal. And getting support from other club members has been a God send.
If you have suffered childhood sexual abuse and want to share your story, please go to this link: http://www.littlelightproject.org/read-about-others-who-have-survived-child-sex-abuse.html. It's anonymous and we'd love to hear from you!
With lots of love,